Zak Lane: Angst Appathy and Comedy

An untitled poem and commentary on said poem.

Tue, 26 Apr 2011 03:21:04 -0400

“She’s got the inner beauty of a prom queen.

I won’t lie. She’s the plastic on the screen.

She’s full of truth like the man behind the podium.

Three square meals, choc full of sodium.

Mentally challenging like a book of stamps.

She’d love me forever, if it weren’t for the cramps.

Natural beauty, covered by plastic.

A genuine fake, ain’t it fantastic?

Vapid entrapment pulling me in.

She’s how I pay for all my sins.

She’s my life sentence.

hers are incomplete.

She says I love you. I say neat.”

-Zak Lane

I’m tired and I’m full of conflicting emotions. So I decided to write something. This is what I wrote. It’s not about anyone in particular. I don’t even think it’s about me anymore. It’s about metaphor and sarcasm. It’s about not loving someone but staying with them because you don’t want to be alone. I cut a lot out of the poem. Here is something I cut out.

“I’m confiscated

She’s domesticated”

That’s all I have to say.

-Zak

Valentine Poem

Fri, 11 Feb 2011 02:33:02 -0500

I love tumblr. Because I don’t think anyone reads what I post here. So I have a place to put the things I’m not proud enough of to put anywhere else. I wrote the following on this dreadful horrible night. It’s 2:30 and I just want to sleep. But I had something on my chest I wanted to put on paper.

Valentine Poem

I wrote you a poem

for valentines day.

I know that I’ll be alone.

You’ll hear someone say

Did you get anything?

Your answer will be no.

I wish I could chime in

and tell them the truth

But you’ll never read this poem

Breakfast With Satan

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 00:51:00 -0500

I woke up at about half past 8 and walked past the kitchenette on my way to the bathroom. Satan was already up cooking sausage and eggs. I’ve been living with the lord of darkness for about a month, I didn’t know if I would find a place in the city that I could afford but his was the first ad that I found. The rent is surprisingly cheap and I don’t even have to pay utilities, to be honest I don’t even think the devil needs a roommate, I just think he likes the company.

“Good morning” said the spoiler of virgins with a wide grin “hard or soft boiled?”

“Good morning” I replied as warmly as I could this early in the morning “Hard boiled is fine, thank you.” I continued on my way to the bathroom where I brushed my teeth and did my other morning business. When I was finished I took my place next to the antichrist in his surprisingly cozy breakfast nook. Lucifer already had a place set for me with sausage, toast, a hard boiled egg, a tall glass of orange juice, and a bowl of Frosty Oh’s. I picked up my fork and knife and prepared to eat.

“Hold on.” the evil one interrupted “aren’t you going to say grace?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot.” I said forgetting for a brief moment who I was having breakfast with. I bowed my head and began to mutter “Our father who ar-“

“Gotcha’” laughed the author of all sin.

“Oh you.” I chuckled as I wagged my finger.

I began eating my sausage. “Wow this is really good!” I exclaimed.

“You didn’t think they called me the Morning Star just for shits and giggles, did you?” We both chit chatted and laughed throughout our meal. Until my watch beeped to remind me that I needed to get going to the office. “Wow, I’m going to be late if I don’t get going.”

“Don’t take the I-25 there is going to be a really bad accident.”

“Thanks,” I said as I hurried out the door

“I’ll see you tonight.”

“It’s movie night so Sammy Davis Jr. is coming over, I rented Titanic.”

“Cool I haven’t seen that in a while. I’ll catch you later.”

“Alright have a good day.”

Poem: Pour L'amour de la Mer (To Love the Sea)

Tue, 11 Jan 2011 00:12:00 -0500

“My fingers are numb

and my hands are cold.

I can taste infinity.

You are dressed up in your midnight best

and you are laid out infront of me.

I want to dive into you

I want to sleep with you forever

You have always been a friend

You will always be my lover.”

Wrote this a month or so ago. It’s about a lot of things. Mainly the ocean.

The Timeless Love and Melody of Seikilos

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 02:18:11 -0500

Sometime about a hundred years before or after the year one, in Rome, there lived a man, Seikilos. His life for the most part is lost in the folds of time. Except for the tomb stone he erected for his wife, Euterpe. Upon the stone are the words “I am a tombstone, an icon. Seikilos placed me here as an everlasting sign of deathless remembrance.”

Along with this is a short song;

While you live, shine

Don’t suffer anything at all;

Life exists only a short while

And time demands its toll.

Seikilos is dead now. His body is dust and his soul had returned to from whence it came. But the song he wrote lived and shall continue to live longer than we can conceive as it is the oldest complete song ever discovered.

Long after you die Seikilos’s song will still be studied by scholars and his wife’s tombstone will continue to sit in a museum. Seikilos was not famous. He was not a king. But, his name will be preserved for all time. It’s not important what you do in life. It’s the impression that you leave behind.

It’s that time of year again. The holidays are upon us and...

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 14:33:35 -0500

It’s that time of year again. The holidays are upon us and I thought I would stop being such a grumpus and write my own little holiday song. Who knows maybe someday you’ll hear people singing my song as they go caroling.

I got a new app for my computer that turns normal photos in to...

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 21:14:02 -0400

I got a new app for my computer that turns normal photos in to Polaroid photos. I like how indy it makes me feel.

A song using excepts from an essay written by Carl Segan

Wed, 11 Aug 2010 02:58:57 -0400

A song using excepts from an essay written by Carl Segan

A Short List of Facts That Every Informed American Should Read

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 22:07:16 -0400

Fact: Cannabis has been used as far back as the 3rd millennium B.C. This is known to some as The Bronze Age. (Rudgley, Richard (1998). Lost Civilisations of the Stone Age.. New York: Free Press. ISBN 0-6848-5580-1.)

Fact: Cannabis is less harmful than most over the counter and prescription drugs prescribed for pain, depression, post traumatic stress, and other neurological, emotional, and physical disorders and in many cases it works just as well if not better.

Fact: Alcohol and Tobacco kill a combined 520,000 people in the united states every year. This is more than twice the number of people killed in the Bombing of Dresden, Germany in World War II. (http://drugwarfacts.org/cms/?q=node/30)

Fact: It is physically impossible to overdoes on Cannabis. To die from Cannabis several hundred pounds of it would need to fall on you.

Fact: Since California legalized medical Marijuana in 1996 thirteen other states have adopted similar laws.

Fact: The full legalization of Marijuana is on the ballot in California for the 2010 election.

Fact: In the time it took you to read this you could have signed a petition to put a bill similar to California’s on your state’s ballot for the next election.

Fact: During the time it took me to write this sentence the federal and state governments spent an estimated $59,484 on the war on drugs. (http://www.drugsense.org/wodclock.htm)

Fact: Every year dozens of innocent people are accidentally killed or murdered in police raids. Women, Children, Pastors, Pets, and other people who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Many of these people had nothing to do with the small plant that people raise such a fuss over. These deaths are random and pointless, anyone of them could have been someone you knew or cared about. I’m not asking you to smoke a joint or rip a bong, I’m simply asking you to use common sense and support the legalization of a harmless plant and help put an end to this horrible drug war that is burning away our tax dollars and harming innocent people.

(http://www.drugwarrant.com/articles/drug-war-victim/)

If these facts and statistics mean anything to you then please learn more about what you can do to help at (http://norml.org/)

What I'm currently working on. (feeling guilty for such a long time with not posts)

Fri, 25 Jun 2010 22:42:16 -0400

1st draft of prologue.

In the blink of an eye every map, globe, and highway sign was rendered obsolete. The glaciers evaporated, the sky caught fire, and the ocean boiled over and drowned the coast line of every land mass from the smallest island to the largest continent. Every institution man had put hope in had not only failed him but had been reduced to ash in a matter of moments. Those lucky enough to be burned alive in the first moments were spared the horrors of the the coming years nuclear winter, fallout, the continental shifts, and the devastating effects of nuclear radiation. Some found shelter in bomb shelters and abandoned missile silos. Others we’re not so lucky and we’re subjected to the radiation. Hideously deformed and horrifically mutated every creature unlucky enough to be trapped on the surface went completely feral. Driven only by primal instincts and an unsatisfiable hunger these creatures roamed the wastelands for years. Life below the surface went on for generations, until supplies ran low in the shelters and man was given no choice but to take back to the surface. It during this time that a group dedicated to the preservation of new human history was founded. Calling themselves the New Human History Collection and Preservation Society ( N.H.H.C.P.S. ) they ventured out into the new continent unexplored by civilized man and gathered the tales of those attempting rebuild and survive in a strange new world. There bravery helped reunite the human species and their discoveries were key in the survival of the settlements that dotted the wilderness and wastelands. This book is a collection of the tales they gathered and the things they discovered and is dedicated to those who devoted and sacrificed their lives to gathering and preserving the history of the new human race. It is presented in a way to intrigue and fascinate as well as to stimulate and educate. The information contained in this book is second hand and should not be regarded as fact, but rather based on true events. The documents and stories span from the pre-disaster time period to 100 years after the first human settlements were built and are presented as they appeared in the collected reports of The N.H.H.C.P.S.

"So I told your father to ‘shut the fuck up’… He needed to hear it… You think..."

Mon, 31 May 2010 17:09:42 -0400

““So I told your father to ‘shut the fuck up’… He needed to hear it… You think thats bad? OMG VAMPIRE DIARIES IS ON!!!!””

- My mother

Clave Johnson Part Two: Labyrinth Of Questions

Fri, 21 May 2010 12:36:56 -0400

One thing I hate about waking up is the awful taste in my mouth. The first thing you taste every morning should be fresh blueberries or buttery toast, but instead my mouth feels like a toxic waste dump.

The sun was seeping through the venetian blinds the way you would expect it too, warm, bright, life giving. I laid under the sheets in my room for a while, trying to think of a reason to get out of bed. I looked over at the clock to see how late in the afternoon it was but my view was obstructed by the small leather bound book that the old man had given me the night before.

That old man knew my name, I know I had never seen him before, right? It’s hard to tell, maybe I saw him once in a crowd or in the background of some distant memory. His face invoked that kind of weird familiarity that makes it impossible to decide if you truly know someone or not. It didn’t matter now, the old man was dead. I would never be able to find out how he knew me.

I picked up the little tattered book and began to flip through it. The old pages crackled and crunched as I turned them. Hundreds of articles and notes lined the pages seeming to stretch on for an eternity. There was no rhyme or reason to any of it. It was the scrapbook of a lunatic. The articles pasted inside didn’t even relate to each other. One headline would read “Archeologists Uncover New Secrets of Sumerian Society.” Another would be an old Advertisement with the headline “SWORD-QUEST! The adventure of a life time only on the Atari 2600.” There were hand drawn sketches of Swords and Crowns and Chalices. There were pages of scribbled nonsense. But then something caught my eye, I saw my name scribbled on a page, under my name was a list of places and times.

Laundromat- 9:00am

News Paper Stand- 9:45am

Apartment- 10:00am

Donut Shop- 1:00 pm

Apartment- 9:00 pm

It went on for at least 3 pages. This old guy had been following me for days before he came into the shop. Thats when I got really creeped out. This guy must have been obsessed with me. Why? What did I do to him? I kept flipping through the book until I came upon another name. Craig Greever, under his name was an address “Labyrinth of Collectables 2221 Boggy Creek Way”. I recognized the street name it was here in town.

Just then my radio alarm clock went off to remind me that I needed to head to the Donut Shop for the afternoon shift in a few moments. I had it set to a classic rock station where my favorite DJ Eddy Drexin the Crazy Texan worked, he talked quick with a thick South Western Accent. “Thanks for tuning in to 187.7 The Lobster your home for classic rock. Next up we have some Geronimo Jackson but first we have your hourly news break. An unidentified body went missing from the 5th street morgue this afternoon, police expect the crime to be gang related.” I turned off the radio and headed into the bathroom to wash the toxic waste feeling out of my mouth.

After I brushed my teeth I started walking to work. The sky was blood red, the sun was just starting to dip behind the city sky line. I was supposed to be working the night shift. I detest the nightshift, the only people who come in are out of there heads in one way or another, slurring their words and occasionally vomiting in the middle of giving their order. After all my time working here I have decided that no one sane eats donuts at night. The only people who eat donuts after breakfast are druggies, obese bald men, old cat women, homicidal accountants, and insane old men who stalk middle-aged men they don’t even know.

I walked up to the door of the shop and to my surprise it was locked. Then I noticed the sign.

“Closed For The Season”

What season? This must be my weasel managers way of keeping low after the old guy died last night. Now i’m not going to get a paycheck for god knows how long. Now I need to find a new way to get money. I was already out so I figured I would walk around looking for a place that might hire me.

I started wandering aimlessly up and down the streets. I couldn’t find any place that would hire me. Nail Salons, Attorneys Offices, and Strip Clubs were the only places hiring and I don’t look good in a suit or in a thong so I figured I would start heading back home. It was late and I wasn’t getting any less fat, sweaty, and winded.

I took a right and started to head in the direction of my apartment. Thats when I saw a bright red Help Wanted sign just sitting in the window of a store. There wasn’t a sign but I could tell by the stuff in the window that it was some kind of comic book store and it was open! Excitedly, I crossed the street and collected myself, I needed to keep getting pay checks or my ex wives would be breathing down the back of my neck. I entered the store as confidently as I could.

The interior was cluttered with shelves of comic books, action figures, and weird collectable items. Behind a glass display box, filled with decoder rings and commemorative buttons and coins, stood a tall stringy looking man in his late 30’s. He had greasy hair, thick glasses, and a brightly colored t-shirt with a design of a dragon on it. An old progressive rock album played from somewhere in the back of the store.

“Hey, man can I help you with something?”

“Yeah, actually” I replied back “I was wondering about that help wanted sign.”

“Oh yeah, I was looking for someone to help m-” Just then a phone began to ring. “Could you hold on a second, sorry.” He turned around and answered a phone that was mounted on the wall behind him. “Thank you for calling Labyrinth of Collectables, This is Craig Greever, what can I do for you?”

I could hear a voice on the other end chatter quickly for a few moments then Craig broke the Awkward moment by asking me if I could come back again tomorrow evening. I obliged him and headed home. The only thing I could hear on my walk home was the sound of a thousand questions buzzing around my head.

Great I'm going to be an adult...

Tue, 11 May 2010 23:36:55 -0400

“A fellow Ent once said to me “Be kind in heart and mind, the world will stop one sweet sweet day, and bring the end of time” Hark I say so listen close to the words I have to give. Enjoy the time we spend as one, for we haven’t long to live.”

Thats a little thing I farted out. I’m feeling a little sad tonight. It’s one of those nights where your only companion is the darkness and the darkness stopped listening a long time ago.

I plan on having Ch. 2 of Clave ready for proof reading tomorrow. I need to stay on course.

I’ll be graduating next week. I feel really weird about starting my life… but I know if I try I’ll do well… because thats just me. I try really hard at something until I can do it.

I wrote a commencement speech of sorts for my classmates and I plan on delivering it at a party im hosting on Friday. I’ll film it and put it on youtube.

-Zak Lane

Self Imposed Hiatus (Ending June 1st)

Sat, 08 May 2010 18:38:52 -0400

Apologize to anyone who this inconveniences but I will be unable to perform until June 1st. (This is due to several factors beyond my control.) But once the 1st rolls around I will be hitting it and hitting it hard. As a matter of fact, I will be hitting it so hard that I don’t plan on quitting it until a furious fit of watery eyed coughing and wheezing overwhelms me, once that subsides I will continue to hit it.

I will continue to post “Clave Johnson”, the episodic adventure novella that I have been working on as of late.

I will also continue booking shows, so if you have work for me feel free to contact me, but keep in mind that I will not be able to perform until June 1st.

Thank you for your understanding and support,

-Zak Lane

Clave Johnson Part One: The Beginning of the Beginning

Fri, 07 May 2010 12:00:00 -0400

“The great four will walk among the living, spending their time in obscurity, until the gods lay their hands of fate upon their lives and guide them towards their true destiny” -Ancient Sumerian Hieroglyph

I’m 42, I’ve been divorced twice, I’m single, and if I didn’t have to pay child support every month then I wouldn’t be working at 4 a.m. in this stupid donut shop. My name tag says ‘Clave Johnson’ but it may as well be blank. If people knew how to make their own donuts, my life would have no meaning.

If I said that I’ve ‘let myself go,’ then I would be implying that I used to look good. I’m over weight and I look like a Boston terrier with a comb over. How I managed to get married once, let alone twice, is beyond me.

“CLAVE! Stop looking in the mirror and get the fuck back to work! We have a customer!” That’s my manager, he’s a weasel. Seriously, imagine a weasel that micromanages every thing you do and is always on your case about some stupid minor detail that you skipped over. “The donuts in this box aren’t lined up well enough, Clave.” “Work on your sprinkling, Clave.” “Where the FUCK are all the sprinkles, Clave?” If I thought I could get away with it I would blow his brains all over the bear claws and burn this shitty little donut shop to the ground.

I walk up to the front counter and take my place at the cash machine. “How can I help you today, sir?” I attempt to say this happily but the words rot in my mouth and fall to the floor like dead canaries… The man stairs at me blankly, he blinks a couple of times. Every thing about this man is old, he has a huge ancient coat that looks like something you would find in your grandmothers attic. His long stringy white hair looks like an albino spider that decided to rest itself on this old mans head and warm it’s horrible little spider feet in his beard. Frankly, he creeped me out quite a bit. I figured his mind was as rotten as his teeth too; he just kept staring at the menu. “Sir?” I ask, trying to coax a reaction out of this old man.

There is no way to put down on paper what came out of this mans mouth next but “Hurk?” sounds close enough. The man gave out a long “Hurk?” and fell backwards. He hit the floor like a sack of potatoes. I jumped over the counter to check him out. I kneeled down next to him and reached for his wrist to check his pulse and the old man grabbed my arm like a freakin’ ninja.

“My front jacket pocket…” the old man gurgled. Without thinking I reached into his huge coat pocket and pulled out a book. I didn’t get a good look at before the man grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. “You have to find them. You have to find the heroes and complete the journey, Clave!”

“What the hell? How do you know my name?” This old man was starting to creep me out like it was going out of style.

“It’s all in the book, Clave. Everything I know, I’m giving to you. It’s your destiny, not mine.”

“I don’t even know you!”

“You have to take the items back to the temp- HURK?” And like that, this old man just died. It was a weird moment for me. I had never watched the life slip out of anyone before. I still had so many questions for this guy. But now he was gone forever. It really makes you think about life and how fragile it is. One slip up and it’s gone forever I’ve squandered so much of my precious life I need to start ma-

“CLAVE, What the shit are you doing?” My manager had finally come to make sure I wasn’t fucking up. Only to find me kneeled over the body of a dead elderly man. I was never going to stop hearing about this.

“Call 911 I think he had a heart attack.” I replied.

So my weasel of a manager called an ambulance. When the cops got there he kept asking if there was any way he could be sued by the old man. I swear to God he asked at least 6 times even AFTER they told him the man was dead. They never talked to me once; I thought that was kind of weird. I got off work early and started to walk home. The whole thing had really shaken me up. I was about a block away from the donut shop when I realized I was still holding that old book the old man wanted me to have. I have to admit, the book didn’t interest me as much as it should have. I had a long day of work and I was really tired.

I walked up the stairs to my apartment and opened the door. I went to set the book down on my night stand, but flipped through it for a second or two before I went to bed. It was leather bound and was full of hand written notes and old news paper and magazine clippings. I put it down and closed my eyes. I had never dreamed in color before that night.

2010 Zak Lane

My senior quote.

Thu, 06 May 2010 15:03:39 -0400

My senior quote.

"I’m going to keep my thump far from the fast paced pulse of modern society and comfortably..."

Wed, 05 May 2010 00:21:15 -0400

“I’m going to keep my thump far from the fast paced pulse of modern society and comfortably jammed up my ass.”

- That guy we know. You know, that guy.

"I don’t want to read, that would make me a faggot and faggots get aids and go to Hell because..."

Mon, 03 May 2010 18:38:58 -0400

“I don’t want to read, that would make me a faggot and faggots get aids and go to Hell because Jesus hates them.”

- A man justifying his own self imposed illiteracy.

Adventure Serial

Sun, 02 May 2010 22:30:00 -0400

I am starting a side project. Every Friday I will post a short except for a novel I am working on. I will do this until the book is finished. Hopefully this will keep me on task for finishing the whole thing. I would like to hear what you guys think of it as I post each chapter.

Here is an teaser.

“The great four will walk among the living spending their time in obscurity until the gods lay their hands of fate upon their lives and guide them towards their true destiny”

-Ancient Sumerian Hieroglyph

I will post Episode 1 this Friday. See you guys then.

-Zak Lane

"Never give up on your stupid fucking dreams."

Sun, 02 May 2010 15:28:28 -0400

“Never give up on your stupid fucking dreams.”

- Unknown